I… am the man of constant sorrow… Fighting for a love that most assume is hollow.. I just want it to be whole again… not empty like my chest that’s been burdened into emptyness and sorrow…. I just want it to be whole again..
As I said almost 2 years ago very close to this day, love is just an illusion and the only reason we think it’s real is because we get so close to people that we honestly just forget what we knew and only know that person. I thought I loved a girl named Kristina, though that was short lived and upon my heart break I honestly thought I’d never find love again but oh I was wrong I did find it. Or so I thought it was love, it turns out it was just an illusion after all I moved from Oregon to Montana when I turned 18 and fell for a girl named Kaitlin, I met a guy named colt who pretended to be my friend but destroyed my life and betrayed me but my that was just the beginning to the betrayal, Honestly I thought I knew pain but needless to say My best friend Jay whom I thought was my friend but it turned out he back stabbed me and pretended to Date my girl just to spite me after I moved away. Needless to say she is with someone else now and despite all the love I gave her and all the love I could have given her she still wont ever be with me again. I sometimes find myself wondering why all these things have happened and honestly I really can’t think of anything other then the fact that my epiphany is that really the only way to survive in this life is really to be a piece of shit. Honestly though I can’t find myself to become one all I have really ever done is try to have true friends and really all that I thought I had I didn’t have ultimately I have had so many knives shoved through my back that they’ve burst out of my chest due to no more room being left to be stabbed in and I really haven’t had more dark days then I have now and writing is my only fucking option to get rid of the misery I really feel like maybe if I treated her like shit instead of my everything that maybe I would still have her but on the other hand I could never treat her like shit because of how powerful my affection towards her is. when I was very young maybe 14 I met a 23 year old woman named Elise at the mall I was honestly completely captured by her essence and her beauty.. I couldn’t stop staring at her I felt like a little boy with his first crush.. she soon noticed me and walked up to me and said hello, and I said hello back to her she then proceeded to ask me if I wanted some coffee and I said yes wondering in my head how far fetched this encounter was she asked me my name and I said my name is Levi’ what’s you’res? she said my name is Elise Pandora Myseric Galaxtruise. I replyed with wow… such a long name so beautiful and she said thank you! I come from a very long line of pureblooded Romanians, I found it facinating someone so beautiful… was talking to this childish idiotic 14 year old… we soon began talking for several hours and she asked me if I loved anyone, I said I think I might but I’m not so sure and her reply to that was. Take heed young man Love itself is just an illusion and it is also said that the waitress of sin, is indeed death. I told her I don’t know what that means.. I have spent the past 5 years trying to figure it out and from what I have come to understand so far is that Love itself is the illusion of death. we spend our entire lives trying to find someone to grow old be happy and die with even though that doesn’t really exist and I think she was trying to warn me that the waitress’s name is love and that it’s the illusion of it that causes death deep within our souls that turns us into complete monsters on the inside and so to ultimately be happy we as people must find this love that we know is an illusion just to distract us from the inevitable death that’s coming to find us. the only thing that it really does is help us hide from it and we accept that. now that I’ve realized what she told me I’ve come to also realize how much I am actually dead inside and I am learning to accept myself as a broken down piece of death, I honestly wish I could find Elise again and talk to her she is the reason I studied so hard and know so much about everything ‘Not trying to sound cocky’ but I have literally busted my fucking ass off for the past five years trying to figure out what she meant and honestly I probably still don’t know but if I could just talk to this Crimson eyed beauty again I really think that I might be able to understand her constant riddles and higher form of speaking. I’ve always wondered what she meant… and I see it not as a curse but a gift that she told me something that I never understood and still probably don’t because because of what I have learned I have been able to see people’s moves from minutes hours days weeks and sometimes even years away I knew Kaitlin and I weren’t going to end up together but I wanted to prove what I knew wrong because I wanted it to be wrong so fucking bad! I’ve now learned a harsh lesson in life… You can’t change the inevitable especially when you see it coming. there is no move you can make that will alter the game of chess because honestly there is no point in even playing the game if the board is on fire and every time you go to move a pawn it burns your hands and stains them the darkest and flamboyant of colors that’s hidden deep within every beings soul… They say that there is love and then their is obsession thought.. but think about it for a minute ok? Obsession is thinking about someone all the time , thinking about making love to them or cuddling them how it would feel to shower with them or being with them? but that’s the same thought process of this illusion that we humans call love as well isn’t it? - It is said that the waitress of sin is death, Well this heartache and betrayal that I’ve experienced is my death ‘Not literally’ but in other word’s I feel as if there is nothing left to post, to all of you out there who are heartbroken. be like me and realize that love is and always will be an illusion.
If you love someone for real… you wont let them go…
When I have to sit here all alone… and watch Robby and Mikaela and Ashton and Kress be together while I’m a thousand miles away from you let alone with you…
Don’t let me down
If I can’t have you, I will never be found.
It’s sure to kill me if you leave me,
so I’ll leave you gagged and bound
I won’t reside, Never Abide
won’t live my life caught in a lie
There’s no escape, from this place
But somehow you unlocked all the chains
paralyzed in authentic fear
cause I’m insane, and I’m deranged
You mustn’t share twisted affairs, with all your peers
So I’ll push you down the stairs
and I’ll hide you down in the dark for years!
There’s nights where I just want to bury my face into a chest and nuzzle it, feel the soft breaths, hear the heartbeat of someone else.
I just want to cuddle, is that too much of me to ask for
- No it’s not I wish I had that to..